Fair Play

This is the thought process that governs male perceptions on women to this day. I find this outrageously prejudiced and condescending to the abilities and reasoning capabilities of women. In fact, I believe in equality, in every sense of the word. Here’s how the world would look like if I was its overlord. Let me paint you a picture:

In the office

Women and men would receive the same amount of pay for equal work hours and equal deliverables met. This means that regardless of sex, the workers cannot complain if they are required to stay back in office till 12 at night twice or thrice a week. The workers would be paid according to their output and contribution to the company, not merely based on their working hours. Women-only cabs would be banned as discriminatory, and the outrageously chauvinistic pick-up and drop facilities currently offered by the companies would be stopped immediately. Either the company provides transport to all, or transport to none. There can be no two ways about this. Resumes will necessarily have to be registered in a national repository under a specified account. In place of the candidate’s name, the account number allotted should be printed. All interviews would have to be carried out telephonically with voice modulators that disguise the sex of the interviewee and interviewer. Proceedings should also be videotaped to prevent allegations of sexual discrimination in hiring. This would ensure that recruitment is based entirely on merit, and not on the sex of the candidate. Also, the companies can move men and women both with the same ease they currently transfer men now from Bengaluru one day to Patna the next. Women would be free to work in mines, as the sexist laws currently in order in India deny women the opportunity to go 250 feet down a dark shaft to dig up coal in a workplace that would probably resemble the dwelling of a gigantic mole (and probably smell just as bad). Those bastards!

In the Army

There have been reports of harassment of the female officers by their male counterparts in the past. The only way to stop this would be to improve the current dismal levels of recruitment of women into the army. Women should make up 50% of the workforce in each division of the army. Especially the combat units. After all, isn’t it the dream of every man/woman who enlists to play a pivotal role in victory in a battle? Denying the glory is essentially a clever ploy to keep women subjugated to the typical wartime roles of stitching uniforms and writing letters. By preventing women from frontal combat against the enemies, the men in the army ensure that they gain all the recognition. Look at the number of women war heroes war vis-a-vis men, and you will realize the amount of discrimination in the army that passes off as legitimate.

The Laws

The prevalent regressive adultery laws in India treat women as the property of men. The chairperson of the National Commission for Women has claimed this is because in the cases of adultery, women are always the gullible and blissfully ignorant victims who need rehabilitation and compensation, and men are the scheming perpetrators who deserve to be punished. This is an insult to the intelligence of the fairer sex. Domestic violence should be encompassed to include nagging, in the interests of true equality. The dowry laws would definitely have to go. It is a shame that we live in a society where just some laws follow the "guilty until proven innocent" theory and some don't. Thanks to this loophole, men would always claim that they are innocent if women complain against them. Recent court judgments, claiming that the verbal testimony of a woman is enough to convict men accused of rape would have to encompass women too. If women are accused of harassment, they would have to be dragged out of their homes, in full public view, then dragged to the police station, bound and gagged, subjected to the "helicopter" torture and beaten to pulp on ice till she confesses of her misdemeanors. A few confessions of women who beat their men could provide a much needed boost to the butch image of women, who would be deemed equals to men. And needless to say, after the confession, some women should be lynched in public as men accused of rape sometimes are. The lynch mob should be, by regulation, overwhelmingly female. This would get the world to take notice that women can be as judgmental as men can be. The current philosophy of “It is better to hang 10 innocent men, rather than haul up 1 guilty woman” reeks of chivalry, and has no place in modern civilization.

In Sport

Men and women would earn equal price money on the tennis field. The rules would be the same, whether the match is being played between men, women or among them. Women would then battle it out in 3 hour 5 setters. Men in the audience will be given Oestrogen before matches between women. This would ensure that they are watching the right balls bounce, without being distracted by the physical appearance of the players. Equal focus shall be given to both the male and female versions of cricket. Cricket boards around the world would have to ensure that the women’s matches are as well attended as men’s cricket. The prices and contracts would be non-discriminatory. Right now, women's cricket does not garner the same amount of eyeballs as women's tennis. This could be changed if the women adopted less "conservative" clothing, as is the norm in tennis or beach volleyball. Well, only if the players are relatively decent looking, that is. Another thing that needs to be done for both versions of cricket to be equally popular is to equalize the intensity of both the versions. The current “fastest” woman bowler bowls at 120 kmph, while the men bowl above 150 kmph. This is just like tennis, where women serve at 120 mph, while men serve at 150 mph. That’s hardly a gap that cannot be bridged by genetic engineering or steroids. Alternatively, men could be given Valium. The current practice of separate sets of rules in the male and female versions of basket ball would have to go.

Miscellany

Chivalry would be an offence punishable with castration. The "Women and children first" rule in evacuations would be outlawed. No seats would be reserved for women anywhere. Not in buses, not in parliaments. It would be illegal for either spouse to ask the other to lift heavy objects. Women shall not be objectified as they currently are. Every ad campaign must have the same number of scantily clad men as women, or clothed men as women. The offensive stereotyping of women as mere objects of lust should stop. The last vestiges of the cave man’s feelings should be snipped away like an inflamed appendix.

Further reading:

1. http://tinyurl.com/2qu27e

2. http://tinyurl.com/37q2qh

3. http://tinyurl.com/2geca6

4. http://tinyurl.com/2k2kfm

@ The feminists.

The world is not “fair”. It is not biased against women either.

Quit bitching already!

Sincerely,

Mc Oink.

PS: Vote Obama. Or Rudy.